Angel:What all children look like while sleeping.
Asleep: The state in which you will do anything to keep your baby in once achieved.
Baby: The tiny despot who has taken over your entire existence. * You will think of your life forevermore in these terms: Before Baby and After Baby.
Birth: The intense process during which the baby leaves it’s happy uterine home and enters the real world ie: your life.
Breastfeeding: The art of feeding your child from your own body. In most instances you can let mother nature take it from here.
Crap: All the accessories, gadgets and assorted paraphernalia that you will acquire via either gifts or by purchase to go with the baby. Say good-bye to your days of traveling light.
Diapers: The nifty things designed to catch pee & poo. You will learn to change them bleary eyed in the dark all while praying to keep the baby asleep.
Diaper Bag, Diaper Cream, Baby Wipes. see Crap
Dad/Daddy: The person formally known as your lover. The change is simultaneous upon birth.
Ears: aka Mom Ears, You will be amazed at how the slightest snore, sniffle, or sigh from your baby will wake you from a dead sleep. Practice for the teenage years??
Fingers: Precious digits you will count, kiss, caress and inevitably take a nick out of while trying to trim those teeny, tiny, paper-thin, yet razor-sharp fingernails.
Fussing: (crying/colic) Any less than happy noise coming from your baby. *Caution: Pending the type of cry you may find yourself responding in a variety of ways from giggling to a full-fledged fight or flight response. ** Your husband will not have any of these same responses.
Grunt: That strange noise usually accompanied by a squished face and a full diaper.
Hair: There is nothing sweeter than silky soft baby hair.
Ignorance: 1 The blissful state you were in before baby. 2 The vast majority of advice heaped on you by random strangers.
Jump: The motion you will do at any slightest sign of fussiness from your baby.
Kegels: You know what they are, keep doing them.
Light: Substance you will learn to manipulate in your favor or just plain do without in order to better keep your baby asleep, while still function somewhat normally yourself.
Mommy/Mama/Mother: This is your new ID from now until eternity. You will not only be introduced by others as your child’s mom, but you will also introduce yourself that way. Often without ever giving out your actual name!
Mommy Time: 1 Those one to five minutes you sneak alone in the bathroom with a book. 2 Minimum five minutes late per kid that you will be anywhere from now on.
Newborn: Those long yet fleeting days when your baby stays mostly asleep in the curled up peanut position. The time in which you fall head over heels in love with the sleeping angel.
New Mom/Dad: The couple stumbling around the store in a haze. Possibly with a screaming baby. *Be kind. Lend a hand if possible.
Overexposed: State in which you will find yourself during birth and while breastfeeding. Take heart, relax and try not to care.
Pee & Poo:Two things you will obsess over and discuss at length with: your spouse, friends, parents, pediatrician and yes, random strangers.
Rest:Grab it when you can get it!
Sex:Gonna be awhile till you want to do that again.
Tub: No longer a sanctuary for bubbles and candles. Now a play zone for splashing and duckies.
Vacation: R&R is now a fantasy. See Crap
Worth it? Yes, Absolutely!
Yes, Please!: The correct answer to anyone who offers to help.
Zzzzzzzzzzz: Sweet dreams, while you can.